Behind the Lens & Between the Feedings: Dispatch №5

Back in frame

This wedding has been on my calendar since before I announced I was pregnant.

When the couple first reached out and we ironed out the contract, I was keeping a quiet secret — this wedding was going to happen within my first two months postpartum. I didn't know exactly how I was going to feel on the other side of birth. I just knew I was going to make it work.

BTS

If I'm being honest, the nerves set in before I even packed my camera bag. How tired was I going to be? Would I feel distracted on the day, unfocused, guilty? I was a wedding guest the night before which, in hindsight, was ambitious and I was running on the particular brand of exhaustion that only new parents really understand.

And yes, the guilt was there. I was leaving my daughter for the entire day. I wouldn't be home until 11:30pm. My husband had her and on the weekends we are in it together.

I checked my phone when I had quiet moments. Just to make sure they were okay. They were always okay.

Back in focus

As I should have known, it came back quickly.

Not immediately. The first hour was logistics, hellos, getting a feel for the vibes. But then came the moment I had to make decisions. Where to position. How to direct. Which light, which angle, which frame. And something in me just — switched on.

That's when I felt it. Not a gradual warm up but a quiet, certain click. There she is.

The moment I felt most like myself wasn't during the ceremony or the golden hour sunset — though both were spectacular. It was when I got the couple alone. Away from the wedding noise, away from the schedule, just the two of them and my camera. Getting to know them a little more. Letting them forget the day for a few minutes while I found the frames that felt like them. That exchange, the specific, quiet trust between a photographer and a couple is something I had missed without fully realizing it.

My passion for making people feel comfortable and beautiful in what can be an overwhelming day carried me through every hour of exhaustion. It always does. That part, I was glad to rediscover, hasn't changed at all.

The identity reckoning

This chapter of my life has made me think a lot about identity. I am a mom now. That is new and enormous and I would not trade a single sleepless night of it. But becoming a mom hasn't eradicated who I was before. Kiera the photographer didn't leave. She was just on maternity leave.

I'll be honest about something though — the "having it all" narrative is at least partly a fantasy. Things get sacrificed. I can't take last minute weekday gigs until our childcare situation is more regular. Spontaneity looks different now. I am more deliberate about what I say yes to.

Deliberateness is actually making me better at this. When I show up to a wedding now I am not just a photographer. I am someone who understands what it means for a moment to be irreplaceable. Someone who knows firsthand what it looks like when ordinary days become the ones you want to remember forever.

I think that's going to show up in my work. I think it already is.

More soon. 📸🤍

Read more about my first shoot back here.